You have a friendship, a working relationship, a bromance or a romance with someone and suddenly you feel a little less heart from him or her. Slowly or quickly that person closes off to you. You do not understand or know what happened. And most people do not ask difficult questions to clarify things and many people will not tell the truth in difficult conversations. That seems to be the societal norm.
What happens between people in all kinds of relationships that slowly separates them? Of course there could be other specific reasons for that. I want to cover a phenomenon that some people may not be aware of yet. An impact on relationships that stems from the societal norm of being nice or the fear of being authentic. Maybe it is the lack of trained skills to develop and deepen relationships.
Foundation for this approach to communication
Effective Communication is when both people involved are willing to change as a result of this communication. More details on this at this blogpost
We create these blocks that can be called ‘withholds’ between people and we do not realize the impact on our closeness.
Every time you judge someone for something you lay a brick between you and them.
Each time you do not clarify a misunderstanding with someone you lay more bricks between you and them.
When you hear something contrary about someone and spread that to others you lay more bricks in a wall of separation.
When you say something about them behind their back you continue building a wall of separation.
You are putting up a brick in an eventual wall of separation if you keep judging that person without communicating with them.
This wall within you then distorts any perspective on that person. It affects your ability to see him or her accurately. The wall begins to fully separate as all past clarity gets obfuscated and covered up.
Then consider the fact that inter-human communication is at least 90% nonverbal and we realize that person has nonverbally picked up on our thoughts that separate us, also.
And we wonder why we have a hard time connecting with people in general. Our perspectives, walls and other foibles distort the clarity of who they are within our mind and who we are in their mind.
Any brick we do not reexamine to see if it can be dissolved will maintain separation.
Do yourself a favor – seek clarity – because there is an additional truth about these thoughts of separation. They exist within your mind and each of them is a block holding you from your own good. Even if the person is to move out of your life it is best done clean. Heal then do conscious separation.
Why am I writing more about interrelation communication?
It is easy to say you want to be more spiritual or be a better person. In the beginning good and new things are happening as your heart and mind open up. As you deepen that way of being in life you will have some periods where things are rocky, the shadow journey that brings such great rewards for those courageous enough to proceed through it. Find those people who will be empowered and empowering throughout life or the lifetime of a project.
Ideas for practicing this
Take a breath and relax. Hold the desire to be clear with this person in your heart. Ask the person if you could talk privately.
When you do meet: Preferably sit across from each other knees to knees almost touching. No barriers. If it’s true for you, then say how difficult it is to ask this or say this. Then ask it in a non-accusatory way; be curious with it.
And listen with your ears, brain and heart. Respond from clear thinking not defenses.
When you hear something derogatory about someone, do you and them a favor. Do this especially if this information conflicts with your previous experiences with that person. Take a breath and say something like hey, I heard something about you that I wanted to tell you (or to ask you about).
Some of us have so many breaks within us including me. This was a big relief and I am grateful that I learned authentic life skills like these in my twenties. I have been practicing as much as I could as I find people or rarely groups who resonate with this level of authenticity and are willing to do it. This authentic approach sometimes does not work for some people.
My training with The Natale Institute has kept me away from gossip which means ultimately you become the subject of gossip. Some people have to throw shade at others. Watch this truth: If you are listening to someone gossip then you can rest assured that the person who was talking gossip about someone else to you will now turn and gossip about you to that someone else. It is not up to you. It is that person’s behavior. Make a choice as to what you want to be around.
[Watch for a future post about the intent and impact of gossiping.]
©2016 by Lamar Irwin, Mind Technology